DEAR DEIDRE: ALL my family are so excited for my cousin who is pregnant after years of trying. What they don’t know is we’ve been meeting up for months and enjoying steamy sex sessions. I’m the dad and we’re deeply in love.
We’ve always been close but our relationship crossed over into the intimate last year after she discovered her husband had been cheating on her.
My cousin is a gorgeous woman, funny, loyal, very energetic and I’ve always fancied her but knew she was off limits. Then we both got tipsy last year at a family party and she opened up about the collapse of her marriage.
She’s 34, I’m 35, and we come from a big family where our mums are sisters.
I ended up telling her how gorgeous she was and confided that I’d always had a secret crush on her.
Feeling reckless we ended up sneaking back to her place where we had really good sex.
The next morning we both said that we didn’t want it to end. We’ve been meeting regularly in secret since then and I’ve semi-permanently moved into her place.
We’re both so happy that she’s pregnant but haven’t told any relatives that we’re in a relationship, let alone that I’m the dad.
Last week we went to a different cousin’s 50th birthday party and as my girlfriend is beginning to show, we agreed she should confirm she’s expecting.
Of course the inevitable questions began; ‘Who’s the dad? Are you getting married? When can we meet the dad?’
It was all very uncomfortable and I had to pretend to be none the wiser.
One of my aunts even took me aside to say she was worried my cousin was going to be left alone to bring up the baby.
What can we do? I know that the whole family will be scandalised when they learn who the father is.
Neither of us want to be dealing with that kind of drama and just want to get on with being a family.
DEIDRE SAYS: Not many people realise but it is entirely legal for first cousins to get married in the UK.
That’s not to say that every one would be accepting, as culturally having a relationship with such a close relative is uncomfortably taboo for many.
But you and your cousin have raised the stakes by having a baby together. What’s important now is that the two of you support each other so you can provide a loving home for your baby.
It’s entirely natural that you will feel nervous about telling your family about your relationship with your cousin.
But it’s time to be realistic with yourselves – this is not a secret you will be able to keep forever. If you tried to suppress the truth your child would inevitably grow up to miss out one way or another.
It might be best to start talking to relatives who you trust and get on with, that way they can help you tackle the more challenging family members.
Talking to a therapist would help you both work out how you want to progress.
My support pack How Counselling Can Help explains how you can find a reputable practitioner.
THE LAW: MARRIAGE BETWEEN FIRST COUSINS
While marriage between first cousins is not illegal in the UK, medical experts say it can cause genetic diseases in the children they may bear.
In December, Conservative MP Richard Holden called for first-cousin marriage to be banned in the UK.
Introducing the proposals in Parliament, the MP for Basildon and Billericay said the children of first cousins were at greater risk of birth defects and the practice should be prohibited to protect public health.
However, independent MP Iqbal Mohamed argued a ban would be ineffective and stated these issues would be better addressed through education programmes to raise awareness of the risks.
Marrying a first cousin is a feature of many communities across the world. It is about protecting wealth, land and property and helps keep the family together.
Dear Deidre’s Incest Issues
Deidre’s mailbag is bursting with incest and relationship problems.
One reader struggled to navigate her feelings for her long-lost cousin, while another found himself aroused after seeing sexy videos of his half-sister.
And one man discovered his brother’s sexual fling with their half-sister.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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