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When my kids were little, I knew everything that was going on with them — even the tiny, inconsequential stuff. What they ate for lunch, who they played with, which teacher reminded them of a Muppet (yes, really), what they’d constructed in their Minecraft world that day. I didn’t even have to ask. And to be honest, there were times when I wished I had a break from all their information overload.
Then, slowly, the curtain closed. And ironically, now that they’re teenagers, I find myself practically begging for even the littlest detail. “How was school?” I ask, knowing full well the answer will be “fine” — or worse, a dismissive shrug. Even when I switch up my phrasing or wait for the “right” moment (in the car, for example), sometimes I get a wall of silence. Other times I get lucky and stumble onto a real, if fleeting, moment of connection. But I never know what made the difference.
That’s exactly why Melinda Wenner Moyer’s new book, Hello, Cruel World: Science-Based Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times, hit such a nerve — especially her simple but profound advice: “Listen more than you lecture.”
At a recent SK Conversations event with Melinda, SheKnows Editor-in-Chief Erika Janes, and members of our SheKnows Teen Council, we explored what that really looks like — and what it takes to build better communication with teens who are not only juggling academic and social pressures, but navigating a world that often feels overwhelming.
Here’s what the experts (and the teens themselves) want parents to understand.
The Real Secret to Teen Communication? Timing, Tone, and Trust.
Let’s start with this refreshing honesty from Juliet, a 17-year-old member of our Teen Council: “I love a good dinner with my parents. Who doesn’t?”
If that made you breathe a small sigh of relief, well, me too. Despite the stereotype of teens wanting nothing to do with their families, our panelists made it clear: They don’t mind talking. They just mind how we do it.
“I’d say the main thing is sometimes timing,” said 17-year-old Greta. “I’ll be leaving the house, and my parents will suddenly remember a really important question they have to ask. … You’re really going to get the best answer if you ask at the right time.”
Ajani, 18, agreed — and shared his mother’s solution. “My mom has started asking me, ‘Do you feel comfortable talking about this right now?’”
This checks out with what Melinda emphasized in her research: Listening — truly listening — is more powerful than any script. It builds trust. It opens doors. And it encourages teens to talk more in the long run, even when they’re not prompted.
“Research shows that when people feel heard, they become more open-minded, more intellectually humble,” she explained. When you feel safe and truly listened to, she explained, your brain opens up — and that goes for teens too. That’s a powerful frame shift, because while it’s tempting to think parenting teens means making them listen to us, the real key might be us learning to listen to them first.
What Teens Really Want (Hint: It’s Not a TED Talk at the Dinner Table)
The truth is, most teens aren’t resisting conversation; they’re resisting control. And that distinction matters.
Greta admits that even though she isn’t a parent, she understands where parents are coming from — but she also wants parents to understand that sometimes the best thing they can do is give their teens space to make their own decisions … even if that sometimes means screwing up a little bit.
“It could probably be a little hard to see your kids make mistakes or get hurt, but I really do think that when I have, it’s made me a better person and it’s helped me grow,” she said. “And I think it’s really important to let us have our time … let us be able to make our own decisions without guidance sometimes.”
Juliet echoed that: “I kind of drifted apart from [my parents] when I was like 14, which I feel like is sort of natural. I think that’s just part of growing up. [But] as I’ve gotten older – 16, 17 — I’ve kind of drifted back to them,” she said. And while she doesn’t want her folks to be more friends than parents, she does prefer for them to talk to her from a place of connection rather than control — loosening that strict “I am the parent and you are the child” mentality we can so often find ourselves in.
“I like when we just talk, when they tell me stories from when they were my age. Some people don’t like that, but I do,” she said. “Just connecting with your child, seeing what interests your child and what interests you, and just sort of finding common ground.”
Rather than formal “check-ins” or parental interrogations (those tend to land about as well as surprise math pop quizzes), the moments of casual connection are where the best bonds are formed.
Melinda’s Rule: “Listen More Than You Lecture”
Melinda’s mantra isn’t about letting teens run wild; it’s about mutual respect. So much of our culture trains us to lecture, but when we stop and listen, we actually make more headway — with discipline, with connection, with everything. Teens who feel heard are more cooperative, more curious, more likely to admit when they’ve messed up, and more likely to seek help.
Even tough topics like screen time or mental health become more navigable when parents come from a place of curiosity rather than control.
When in Doubt, Delay the Deep Talk
If your teen just walked through the door or is midway through their third episode of whatever TV series they’re binge-watching this week, it might not be the moment for a heavy chat about grades or college. The topic is not going to be any less important later, when your kid’s had time for a breather … and it will most likely be much more well-received. Just take it from Ajani, who said his mom’s approach of circling back to a topic is “a super great strategy.”
“I feel like giving your child a little bit of space and then coming back to them has been really impactful for me throughout growing up,” he said.
And as Melinda reminded us, giving kids space doesn’t mean giving up. “Respecting their boundaries teaches them to respect others’ boundaries — and their own.”
The Payoff Is Real
When teens feel heard and respected, they open up. They reflect more. And sometimes they even — gasp! — initiate conversations on their own. Sometimes it takes a lot of patience and diligence on our end as parents, and maturity on their end as kids, so even if yours are still resistant, there’s light at the end of the tunnel once they get higher up in the teen years.
“As I’ve gotten older, certain things have not really gotten on my nerves anymore,” said Ajani. “At one point, I would be upset about my parents asking me about my day, but I feel like now there’s nothing wrong with that.”
Talk to them like people. Connect with what they care about. And don’t forget that they still like you — even if they don’t always act like it — so keep showing up.
TL;DR: How to Talk So Your Teen Will Talk
- Ask, “Is this a good time?” before diving in
- Skip the lectures, lead with curiosity
- Validate their feelings (yes, even when it feels like they’re being ridiculous)
- Let them make small mistakes — and resist rescuing
- Build connection through shared interests, not just checklists
- Don’t underestimate the power of dinner (or a car ride, or folding laundry)
- Accept that trust takes time — but listening builds it
As much as it can feel like parenting teens means constantly walking a tightrope between staying close and letting go, Melinda’s advice — and our Teen Council’s candor — offered a welcome reminder (and, OK, a little bit of relief): They do want to talk. They just want to be heard first.
And hey, maybe that’s the real “talking point” we need to remember.
